Weed, Wine, and Wisdom

I had the privilege of attending a Michelle Malone concert the other night.  She introduced her song "Weed and Wine", reminiscing about her youth and how she would go back and change the person she was, if she could.  I thought back to my youth...my twenties...my thirties.  Oh how much I would change, but for different reasons than Michelle.

Most people want to go back and erase their wild days.  Remove the partying.  Undo the drugs and alcohol and illicit sex.  Things like that.  I want to remove the coals I mentally heaped upon the heads of those who did those things. I want to take back the words of hatred I thought, more than uttered, toward those who chose an alternate lifestyle: the pot-heads, the "permissive" parents, the non-church-goers, the partiers, the left-wing Democrats, the same-sex couples.  I judged them all, and then some.

The more I walked through my conservative Christian life, the smaller heaven became.  Fewer and fewer people measured up to the gospel according to Me.

Until....

Until my own family no longer measured up to my own standards.  Until my family no longer measured up to the standards of those who surrounded me in my little bubble of existence. Life was warm and cozy on the inside, but when I found myself being moved further and further toward the outside of the conservative Christian circle, away from the image of a perfect family and a perfect life, I realized that life on the inside was exhausting! I had been living in fear - trying to keep up a perfect image, and it had worn me out.

So I walked away.

I didn't leave my husband or my five precious children.  They are my greatest joy, my biggest cheerleaders, and my reason for getting up in the morning!

But I did leave my church, my denomination, an undetermined number of my religious beliefs, and as a result, many of my friends. A whole lot of people think I have lost my mind.  I'm sure many are worried about me and praying for my soul and for my salvation.  And a handful think I am finally showing some sense.

Although many in my former religious community would think my decision to leave that behind is very unwise, I think I am learning the real meaning of wisdom.  Wikipedia (okay, not the best source, but I like how it is worded) says of wisdom: Wisdom is a deep understanding of people, things, events or situations, empowering the ability to choose or act to consistently produce the optimum results with a minimum of time and energy.  And that's it for me - I am gaining an understanding of people that looks very different from the fear and suspicion and judgment with which I have always regarded those on the "outside" of my faith.

I have no idea where this journey will lead me in terms of my religious beliefs.I am still reading, thinking, pondering, and working it all out.  Who will join me in my journey?